Deep In My Heart, I’m A Terrible Man: Thoughts On My Dark Heart, Racism & The 2024 Election

Deep In My Heart, I’m A Terrible Man: Thoughts On My Dark Heart, Racism & The 2024 Election

Deep in my heart
Deep in my heart
Deep in my heart
I'm a terrible man
Deep in my heart
Deep down in my heart
I know what I am

-       Deep Down, The Devil Makes Three

 

 

A number of years ago I was at a Benedictine retreat center for a training. During one of the sessions the speaker, one of the leaders of the retreat, began saying things that were stereotypes of the black community. I remember being unnerved by the words I was hearing and even labeled them as racist in my mind, but I didn’t say a word. I silently sat in the classroom and listen to the lecture. I never addressed it. I just let it happen. Later in the retreat the comments were addressed and an apology made but it was not because I had gone to the speaker or another leader and prompted a discussion. I did nothing.

 

Over the years I have reflected back on that moment with immense shame. That moment haunts me. I am embarrassed that I said nothing. It is something I carry. I vowed to never stand idly by and let a racist action or words go unchallenged. I thought I was doing pretty good with this vow until today.

 

Last week I was in a meeting where I could have spoken up about a racist reality and I didn’t. In that meeting a long discussion was had about a white male client departing. In contrast clients of color have departed many times without a discussion. The imbalance was clear and implicated the organization. The importance placed on a white man, when compared to BIPOC persons, exposed a white-dominate / racist way of being in the world. In this space I said nothing. I attended and departed without making a single comment.

 

In a follow-up meeting a colleague called me (and the rest of those in attendance) out for our behavior. As the reprimand was shared a feeling and a phrase welled up in me. I was frustrated that I had not said anything (again) and thought “Damn it, it happened again.”[1]

 

The band The Devil Makes Three has a song titled “Deep Down” where the lyrics say, “Deep in my heart, I'm a terrible man. Deep in my heart. Deep down in my heart, I know what I am.” Those that know me are aware that I often tie life to song s and song lyrics. As I sat with the reality that I had once again not stood against racism, and even failed to see it, the confession found in this lyric was resonating in me. My lack of action forced me to realize that deep down in my heart I am something I desire not to be - a racist.

 

Parker Palmer notes, “One of the things this society is most deficient in is safe spaces for truth-telling about the condition of our souls.”[2] He’s not wrong. We want to keep our deep dark thoughts to ourselves and out of the light. We desire to live in denial that deep in our hearts we are terrible people. Palmer’s observation is a statement on confession. We need more spaces to say the truth about what is happening deep in our hearts. In the case of race in America we need confessional spaces now more than ever.

 

If you were to ask me on any given day if I’m a racist I would answer no. Internally I might even answer in true Roy Kent mode “Fuck No!” On the outside I appear to be anti-racist or an ally. However, my inaction in the face of racist words or a white dominate system gets to the truth underneath. Raised in an America that gives preference to white, male, heterosexual, cis gender, Christian men I have a winning hand everywhere I go. The culture teaches me, and everyone, that I am the alpha and gives me privilege at every turn. I have so internalized this message that despite my best efforts, and heart felt desire to be otherwise, I still think and act in racist ways. I am ashamed of this, but “Deep down in my heart, I know what I am.”

 

As I write this we sit on the eve of the 2024 Presidential Election. This election cycle has exposed, yet again, the racist patterns in America. One candidate has gone out of the way to demonize and blame persons of color for every problem in the country. That same candidate has spread racist lies and perpetuated decades old white supremacist tropes. The other candidate has had to defend themselves repeatedly because their mere existence on a Presidential as a Black/Asian Woman irritates many in the dominate culture. Like it or not, race is a huge issue in this election and it will be in the weeks and months after the election.

 

No matter who wins the election there will be more moments for me to raise my voice in opposition to racism. There is fear that if Kamala Harris wins there will be backlash against black women and BIPOC people. There is the very real threat of racially based mass deportations if Trump is elected. I’m sure there are more racial reactions to the election than just those, but my point is that in the coming weeks I know I will be faced with another opportunity (or many) to voice my opposition to racism. Will I stand by and say nothing as I have before, or will I speak? I want to believe that I will speak out. It is my prayer that I will find the courage to resist the evil of the racism in front of me. What about you?

 

Joel K

"When you see the folly in something you've done. And you wish you had it to do over. But you know you can't because it's too late. So you pick that thing up and you carry it with you."

- Phil Cooper (Played by Danny DiVito) in the film The Big Kahuna

---

[1] I used the word Damn here not because of my normal potty-mouthed existence, but because if anything deserves to be sent to hell it is racism and my lack of action in the face of it.

[2] https://onbeing.org/programs/parker-palmer-courtney-martin-the-inner-life-of-rebellion/

Image by Krzysztof Dzwonek from Pixabay

A King Was Never The Goal: Responding To The Speech At The Believers Summit

Yesterday a host of news outlets reported the words of Former President Donald Trump at the Believers Summit in West Palm Beach, Florida where he spoke Friday night. During that speech he stated:

"Christians, get out and vote, just this time. You won't have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what, it will be fixed, it will be fine, you won't have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians... I love you Christians. I'm a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don't have to vote again, we'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote." (1)

If I understand Trump correctly (something I often find difficult), he is proposing a monarchy or dictatorship, as well as offering a version of political salvation. His statements, and my concerns, lead me to assert that there are three reasons Christians should reject these thoughts. The first reason comes from the Old Testament. The second, is rooted in the New Testament. And the final reason can be found in the founding of American Democracy. Let's take a look at each.


The Old Testament

One way to read the Old Testament is to look at it as a series of stories about the people of God making the wrong decision. While there are many poor choices made in the first 39 books of the Bible, the choice to be ruled by a king ranks right up at the top. I Samuel 8 records the account of Israel demanding a king to rule them and fight their battles for them. In the end, God tells Samuel to go against God’s desire and give them a king. Samuel anoints Saul and Israel's history with monarchy begins. It is not long before the king experiment goes exactly as Samuel predicts as the rulers usher in militarism, oppression, affluence and alliances with other kings. Walter Brueggemann calls this "Royal Consciousness." The royal consciousness stands in opposition to the vision for God's people given to the prophets (the Prophetic/Mosaic vision epitomized by Moses). Brueggemann posits that royal consciousness is marked by three things: affluence, oppressive social policy and static religion. Affluence keeps people happy and satisfied so they are unlikely to revolt. Oppressive social policy keeps those needed for labor, and those outside of the privialged ruling class, oppressed and kept in their place. Finally, a static religion is a stale and lifeless practice of religion that supports the king and his policies. This static religion is often dripping in language about God blessing the nation (as in Christian Nationalism) or is seen as a justification for the government and its actions. Brueggemann gives the example of Solomon as the height of royal consciousness. (2) Of Solomon Brueggemann writes,

"The entire program of Solomon now appears to have been a self-serving achievement with its sole purpose the self-securing of the king and dynasty. It consists of...a program of state- sponsored syncretism, which of course means the steady abandonment of the radicalness of the Mosaic vision." (3)

Rob Bell, makes a connection to our current moment, also citing Solomon,

"What's true of empire then is true of empires now. What we see in the Bible is that empires naturally accumulate wealth and resources. Solomon built terraces and stockpiled gold...At the height of Israel's power, while Solomon is reigning at the peak of his glory, we find the most incisive and honest critique of the empire itself. We're told the weight of his gold was 666 - which, remember, is a Jewish way of saying that somebody has so profoundly lost their way that they are now in opposition to God." (4)

It was always God that was supposed to fight Israel's battles. Starting at the Red Sea when Moses hears from God and tells the people, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14) the arrangement was set - God was the one who was fighting for the people of Israel not a King. The Battle of Jericho is another example of God fighting a battle for the people (Joshua 6). God fighting was the plan. It was never supposed to be a king.

Fast forward to our current moment and Trump is offering (and being encouraged by his supporters) to fight the people's battles and be a king. He is saying, I (in god-like fashion) will solve all of the problems and you will never need to vote again. When does someone never need to vote again? In the case of a King (or dictator)! This recent speech by Trump places voters - and in particular Christians - in the United States in the same place as the people of Israel in I Samuel. The rhetoric coming from the former President offers a choice, do we desire a king to fight for us, or God? Be careful what you choose, there is book you might be familiar with that tells the tale of what happens if you pick a king.


The New Testament

There is a tension in the gospels that runs like an undercurrent below the story of Jesus' ministry. Once you see it you can't un-see it. The undercurrent is that the people, and even the disciples, are expecting Jesus to be a political savior and deliver them from Rome. In short the people expect Jesus to be a king.

There are moments when Jesus easily could have taken the turn toward being a king but did not. In fact when those opportunities presented themselves he side stepped them all. A good example is found in John 6 in the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000. After the crowd is fed John tells us,

"After the people saw the sign Jesus performed, they began to say, 'Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world.' Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself." (John 6:14-15)

In that story, Jesus, rather than seek political power, avoids becoming king by leaving the crowd behind. Another place we can see Jesus avoid being a King is when he is question by Pilate in John 18. In that passage he answers the question “Are you the king of the Jews?” by saying, “Is that your own idea, or did others talk to you about me?” (John 18:33-34). He also adds in that conversation, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place." (John 18:36).

Being a king, in the earthly sense marked by royal consciousness, was never on Jesus' radar. Jesus was not interested bringing an earthly kingdom this is why he kept telling parables about what the kingdom of God is like. Those parables are a stark contrast to affluence, oppressive social policy and static religion. In Jesus' kingdom everyone is welcome at the banquet table; weeds and wheat grow up together; and it grows like a weed called a mustard seed.

Jesus doesn't ever want to be king and doesn't see a king as a solution to the political problems presented by Rome. A king is not the answer for Jesus and it shouldn't be for us either. If to be a Christian is to be Christ-like (which is what the word means), we cannot want a king because Jesus never desired one. To desire an earthly king is anti-Christ in its orientation.


American Democracy

It should go without saying that the United States is a democracy (to be specific it is a representative republic). The founding fathers of our nation set the country up as a democracy because they did not want a king. This is a really simple argument. The United Sates was founded on the idea of not having a king and giving the power to the people. The core of any democracy is the right to vote. Asking someone to vote so that they "won't have to vote anymore" is asking someone to do something fundamentally un-American and anti-democratic.

For the above three reasons Trump's statements to those gathered at Believers Summit should be viewed as both anti-Christian and anti-democratic.

A king was never the goal.


Joel K




(1) https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-tells-christians-they-wont-have-vote-after-this-election-2024-07-27/#:~:text=Trump%20said%3A%20%22Christians%2C%20get,%3A%20%22I%20love%20you%20Christians


(2) I'm borrowing here liberally from Walter Brueggemann's excellent book The Prophetic Imagination. This book is a must read.


(3) Walter Brueggemann, The Prophetic Imagination, page 23.


(4) Rob Bell & Don Golden, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, pages 122 & 129-30. The reference here by Bell and Golden is to I Kings 10:14 and Revelation 13:18.

Retire Leyand's Number and put him on the wall...but add the other Stars (and Wolverines) too.

This past weekend Jim Leyland was inducted into Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. Leyland managed the Pittsburgh Pirates (1986-96), the Florida Marlins (1997-98), Colorado Rockies (1999), and Detroit Tigers (2006-2023). He is one of only eleven managers in MLB history to lead three different teams to the postseason (Pirates, Marlins & Tigers). He won the World Series in 1997 with the Marlins.

With his induction into the Hall of Fame the Tigers will retire Leyland's number (#10) and add his name to the wall in center field at Comerica Park. Leyalnd will join:

Charlie Gehringer, 2B: No. 2
Alan Trammell, SS: No. 3
Hank Greenberg, 1B: No. 5
Al Kaline, OF: No. 6
Sparky Anderson, MGR: No. 11
Hal Newhouser, P: No. 16
Willie Horton, OF: No. 23
Jack Morris, P: No. 47
along with No. 42 in honor of Jackie Robinson. which every team has retired.

Also on the wall are Tiger greats and Hall of Famers Ty Cobb, Sam Crawford, Mickey Cochrane, Harry Heilmann, Hughie Jennings and Heinie Manush - who all played in an era where players didn't wear numbers - as well as George Kell, who wore three different numbers while a Tiger, and longtime broadcaster Ernie Harwell. It will be exciting and well deserved to add Leyland's name and number to the wall, but the wall, in my opinion remains incomplete.

Back in the late 1800's the first Major League team to play in Detroit was the National League Detroit Wolverines (1881-1888). The team won the 1887 National League pennant and the World Series. On that team were four Hall of Famers: Deacon White (3B, C, RF), Ned Hanlon (CF - who, as a manager some say is the architect of modern baseball), Sam Thompson (RF - who ended his career with the Tigers in 1906) & Dan Brouthers (1B).

There is another professional team that also played in Detroit. That team is the Negro League Detroit Stars (1919 independent; 1920-31 & 1933 Negro National League; 1937 & 1954-61 Negro American League) . Four Stars greats are enshrined in the Hall of Fame: Andy Cooper (P), Pete Hill (OF, 1B), Cristóbal Torriente (OF, P) and the legendary Turkey Stearnes (CF).

In light of the long history of baseball in Detroit and with the legacy of Major League baseball in that city resting on the Tiger's and being housed in Comerica Park. I would like to see the outfield wall reflect the greats of both the Wolverines and the Stars. Come on Tigers add these great players from Detroit's past to the list of Tigers greats and let's celebrate all of Detroit's baseball history in one place.

Joel K

An Assassination Confession

                                                                                                       [Gene J Puskar/AP Photo] (1)

I've never been a fan of Donald Trump. I find him objectionable on many levels. My disdain for the man has gotten me into trouble rather often. In particular, I've drawn the ire of people in my life who see Christianity and conservative politics as two sides of the same coin, or who hold similar beliefs. I say all this to set the stage for what I'm going to say next.

When I heard the details of the assassination attempt on former President Trump on Saturday, my first thought was an echo of the old TV show Get Smart, "Missed it by that much." In other words, my first thought was that the assassin had failed, and I wished he hadn't. In my mirky sin filled heart there was a moment of disappointment that Trump lived. 

I'm not proud of that moment in any way. The taking of any human life by murder is never acceptable and something I do not support or endorse. However, I still had the thought. I still wished that Trump had met his earthly end.

Confession is not something we practice much in church anymore. If—and when—we do make space in a worship service for confession, it is done in silence so we don't embarrass ourselves. It seems that our desire to save face is much stronger than our desire to be honest.  The honest truth is we don’t really practice confession even though we are commanded to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16). Confession makes us feel uncomfortable, so we choose to ignore our dark impulses and shadowy thoughts—the worst of who we are—or at least we don't speak those thoughts out loud.

I'm here to speak one of my deep, dark sinful thoughts out loud. I wished that Donald Trump had died. This was my first reaction—the first impulse of my sin sick soul.

The Quaker thinker Parker Palmer has noted, "One of the things this society is most deficient in is safe spaces for truth-telling about the condition of our souls." (2) I think Palmer is right. We really have precious few spaces (if any) in the United States to tell the truth about what is happening in our souls. We don't often divulge to anyone (including ourselves) the truth of our inner life. Instead we choose to posture and virtue signal in public.

I was a bit shocked to see how dark my soul had become in this contemporary moment. I've allowed the partisan schism and self-righteous vitriol of our dysfunctional public discourse to worm its way into the core of my being. I've soaked up the poison of our putrid politics, and it has made me sick. I am infected and affected enough to wish death on another human being. King David, a man familiar with wishing death on his enemies (ex. Ps. 55:15), writes in Psalm 139:23-24,   

                    Search me, God, and know my heart;

                            test me and know my anxious thoughts.

                    See if there is any offensive way in me,

                            and lead me in the way everlasting. 

It seems to me that we are in a moment in the United States when this set of verses is needed. I know I need them. I know I need God to search me and show the truth to me about what is hiding in my soul. I've seen in there, and it's not a pretty sight.

 

What about you? 

What is hiding in your soul? 

What was your first thought when you heard about the assassination attempt on Donald Trump? 

If it had been President Biden that was nearly killed, where would your mind have gone?

How much have you allowed the rancorous rhetoric we are inundated with seep into your core?

 

“Open confession is good for the soul."

Scottish proverb

 

Joel K

(1) - https://www.aljazeera.com/gallery/2024/7/14/donald-trump-escapes-assassination-bid-at-us-campaign-rally

(2) - https://onbeing.org/programs/parker-palmer-courtney-martin-the-inner-life-of-rebellion/

Resonance On The Way To Warm Springs

Once upon a time I posted sermons here a lot. However, since I rarely preach anymore I haven't done that in a while.

Back in April I was asked to bring the message at the Interdenominational Ministerial Alliance meeting in Anchorage. I chose to give a talk titled "Resonance On The Way To Warm Springs."

That talk was based on the research I have been doing this year. I have a grant from The Calvin Institute For Christian Worship to develop a case study of how one congregation (Crosspoint/Reclaim - my faith community) reimagined its worship from an attractional model of church to a member led approach. As part of that research I have been reading some literature regarding the church in a secular age. In particular I have been reading a lot of Andrew Roots work and he has in turn led me to the work of Charles Taylor and Hartmut Rosa.

For my talk back in April I drew on the work of German Sociologist Hartmut Rosa and his resonance theory (1) and Luke 24:13-35.

If you are interested in a little glimpse of what I am working on here is the talk. It is rough audio record on my cell phone.

https://www.facebook.com/1631971968/videos/1011194870559762/ 


Thanks for listening.

Joel K

(1) = Rosa, Hartmut. The Uncontrollability of the World. Polity Press, 2020.

At the Lord's Table

There are an enormous amount of empty ecclesial edifices in the city of Montreal, Quebec. These abandoned artifacts of church architecture are the flotsam left bobbing in the wake of the Quiet Revolution. The rapid escape from religious oppression (and other forms of oppression) in the mid-twentieth century left the churches, once overflowing with members, empty. Saint-Mathias-Apôtre church, in the Hochelaga neighborhood, is one of those buildings. Built in a mid-century style, it no longer offers religious services, or does it?

Churches, in particular liturgical churches, are designed to serve one meal. That meal goes by many names. To some it is Mass. To others it is the Eucharist, Communion or the Lord's Supper. In Jesus' final hours on earth he directed his disciples to eat bread and drink wine as a way to remember him. In liturgical churches this sacrament is practiced at each service. However, the Lord's Supper wasn't the only meal Jesus is known for. It has been said that Jesus eats and drinks his way through the gospels. He is criticized for eating with the wrong people. He miraculously feeds 5,000 people. Food is central to the story of Jesus.

When you walk through the doors of the former Saint-Mathias-Apôtre church food is still central. Now the home of Le Chic Resto Pop a "socio-professional integration, social economy and community action organization." (1) Le Chic Resto Pop is a low-cost ($3.67 US for an adult) "socially responsible restaurant, [serving] nutritious and quality meals at low prices to meet the needs of people with food insecurity." (2) Le Chic Resto Pop also provides unemployed persons the opportunity to gain valuable job skills and boasts a 78% placement rate. (3) Since 1984 they have trained over 1500 people and served over 4 million meals.

The building turned restaurant is still architecturally very much the way it was when it was built and perhaps it is still fulfilling its mission. In Matthew 28 we read Jesus' words, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in..." The disciples ask, "When did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?" To which Jesus replies "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

A belief I hold strongly is that the Holy Spirit is always at work. Saint-Mathias-Apôtre church was built to serve the Lord's Supper. Yet, when that meal became tainted by the oppressive and controlling way it was served people no longer came to the table. Still that building was clearly meant to feed the people. The Spirit was still at work. Here and there in the building you see hints of its past purpose in crosses on light fixtures and the mosaics on the door, but Jesus' mission is not obscured at all. The Spirit is still at work. Like the Parable of the Banquet (Matthew 22), Le Chic Resto Pop welcomes everyone to the table to be fed, and in that activity feeds Jesus himself.

Saint-Mathias-Apôtre was constructed to serve one meal, but now if serves millions. In both forms it bears witness to the kingdom of God.

Joel K

 

(1) https://chicrestopop.com/

(2) Ibid.

(3) Ibid.

How Many Countries Are In This Country? (Ted Lasso Advent - Part 6 - Epiphany Edition)

In the first episode of Ted Lasso (Pilot) the new coach and his righthand man Coach Beard (Brandon Hunt) walk out on the pitch for the first time to observe the team. Standing on the sidelines this conversation takes place:

Coach Lasso (Jason Sudeikis): "Holy smokes! Did you see that? That fella looked like a kitty cat when it gets spooked by a cucumber. Who the heck is that?

Coach Beard (Brandon Hunt): Jamie Tartt. Top scorer on the team.

Coach Lasso: Nate, what's he like?

Nate (Nick Mohammed): Who, Jamie? He's great. You know, at football.

Lasso: Yeah, I know fellas like that.

Beard: [That's] Sam Obisanya. He's a right back defender outta the Nigerian league.

Lasso: Nigeria? Like Africa? So these fellas are from all over the place?
(pointing at another player) I mean, he must be from England, yeah?

Beard: Wales.

Lasso: Is that another country?

Beard: Yes and no.

Lasso: How many countries are in this country?

Beard & Nate: Four.

Lasso: It's kinda like America these days.

Today, January 6, is Epiphany on the church calendar. (1) The Advent/Christmas season truly ends on with this celebration. Epiphany is the when the church remembers the arrival of the Magi. After seeing a new star rising at the time of Jesus' birth these foreigners travel to see the person whose birth triggered the star (Matthew 2). While the shepherds who visited the infant Christ were local, the wisemen travel a great distance to visit the toddler Jesus.

In a lecture back in 2011 Ray Bakke noted that the Wise Men, who traveled two years to bring their gifts to this new king, were likely from Babylon. In fact he referred to them as "the Babylonian worship team." He further noted that 600 years before Babylon carried off the Jewish royal family into exile, and now these men from that country where celebrating the arrival of a new King. In his book A Theology As Big As The City Bakke says of Babylon,

"Throughout the Bible, Babylon, is a symbol of the city which is anti-God. Literally the name means "gate to God." (p.184)

I believe that the arrival of the Magi at the end of the Christmas story is an answer to Lasso's question, "How many countries are in this country?" Throughout the Old Testament the primary vehicle of God's redemptive story was a single group of people - one particular country. Individuals from other nations were grafted in, but the main object of God's favor was Israel. Now as Jesus arrives something is shifting. The arrival of the Messiah was for Isreal, but it was also for this anti-God nation as well. No longer was the affection of God rather singular, but now the love extended to all - even those awful Babylonians.

The expansion of the good news from the one to the many is a theme in Jesus ministry, and is underscored in Pentecost. The Book of Acts records the good news extending further and further into the world. Paul writes that in this new reality, "[T]here is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all."

So, when it comes to Jesus, "How many countries are in this country?" The answer is all of them, and it all starts with the Magi.

Joel K


(1) Today also marks the two year anniversary of the insurrection at the United States Capitol. And this week is one in which the US House of Representatives has voted over a dozen times for a Speaker without seating anyone. Clearly the US has more than its own fair share of division (countries if you will). Lasso is right again.