NOW. HERE. THIS.

"think of all that we miss today
that lay right before our eyes
think of all that fades away
in the hard-pressed compromise

and this is dangerous terrain
we're attempting to traverse
it's a crying shame
but it could be a lot worse

so you proceed with caution
though you're mumbling in the dark
and that one shot of perspective
has finally hit your heart"
- Vigilantes of Love - Could Be a Lot Worse

The past few weeks for me have been filled with anxiety the triggers for which I don't want to go into in such a public forum.  In reality my physical world has caused my spiritual life to tail spin.  When my anxiety is at its height the perceived issues are all I can think about and it sucks my soul dry, drains my energy and clouds my outlook making progress and participation a matter of sheer will power...if they happen at all.

Because of these struggles I seem to always be looking for something that will help me stay centered.  One of those things in recent months is something that the band Over the Rhine posted on Facebook back on January 24.  It read in part:

"I snapped a picture of Joe Henry’s boots last night right before our debut with The Cincinnati Pops Orchestra. Joe produced our last two studio albums – The Long Surrender and Meet Me At The Edge Of The World – and has become an important friend and mentor to Karin and I. One recent excerpt of a conversation with Joe: “People who live in the past are depressed. People who live in the future have anxiety. Only people living in the present can know contentment.”

I think about that all the time.  What does it mean to live in the moment and therefore, avoid both depression and anxiety?  I have reflected on this a number of times since I first read and re-posted it on Facebook.  My thoughts always ended unresolved.  I seem to fall asleep, or be dragged off to another thought while still being left with the lingering question - how?  How do I live in the moment?

For most of my life I have lived about 5 minutes ahead of real time.  This constant mental jumping ahead was made me a good teacher (when I'm on, being able to read the conversation moments before it unfolds) but a bad conversation partner (always thinking about what is next - the next meeting, responsibility, etc.).  I have lived seeing a problem coming.  I can't set a cup down without thinking ahead about what would happen if it spilled -  what it would douse if it tipped.  Thus, I spend a bunch of mental energy thinking about how to avoid trouble before it arrives.  For years I had no idea that this was what I did.  Now I realize it and realize just how crazy making it is - how exhausting - how defeating - how isolating - how un-Biblical this living in a constant state of fear really is.  

I think Joe Henry is likely right, if we can live in the moment we can be content.  I could be content.  But I'm still left holding  an empty bag that I wish was full of tricks, techniques, or tools that would keep me in the moment.  

Last weekend a tool arrived.  As I worked a floor buffers for hours removing the glue off the floor of the teen center that Parachutes (www.facebook.com/ParachutesMosaic) is building I binged on Podcasts.  One of those iPod delivered conversations was with Father Greg Boyle. (its an excellent listen, you should check it out: http://onbeing.org/program/father-greg-boyle-on-the-calling-of-delight/5053)  Boyle, of Homeboy Industries (http://www.homeboyindustries.org), was talking about an off-broadway play that he had stolen the title from to form a mantra aimed at keeping him in the moment.  The title?  "Now. Here. This."  Father G went on to explain that he has begun saying to himself before he enters a conversation, meeting, situation, etc. "Now. Here. This." and it has the effect of keeping him in the moment.

Over the past few days I have been trying to use that mantra and follow the example of Father Greg.  I have been pushing myself to say as I enter a room, a situation, a moment to say "Now. Here. This."  My prayer (there have been a lot of those too) is that this practice will become the first tool in my bag, something I can pull out when I feel that tightness in my stomach and drift in my brain.  My hope is that this simple prayer, this momentary centering will produce in me the ability to live the way Jesus taught us in the Sermon on the Mount when he told us not to worry, when he encouraged us to focus on today, when he told us to trust God to provide.

Now. Here. This.

Joel K

I'll fly a away Oh glory, I'll fly away...wait I can't!

   "I'll fly away oh glory
   I'll fly away (in the morning)
   When I die hallelujah by and by   I'll fly away"

Last week one of the youth we serve at Parachutes (www.ParachutesAlaska.com) went on a road trip for the weekend and then decided to not come back to his life in Anchorage.  He is a young man with a job, an apartment, and a who has been working to finish High School.  He simply got in his car drove to Fairbanks and found himself unable to return to his life - or at least that is what he said on Facebook.  I'm not going to lie, I'm a little jealous.

Don't get me wrong here, I am not indicating that I am fixing to disappear this coming weekend.  I am also not endorsing that type of behavior.  To jump in the car and leave everything, including your clothes, belongings, and bewildered friends behind is something people trying to escape from the law do.  I mean, it sounds like the beginning of one of those overly dramatic Dateline NBC Mysteries.  It is also horribly irresponsible and leaves a pretty good trail of wrecked relationships and burned bridges behind you.

The reason I say I'm jealous is that right about now I'd like to check out.  I'd love to get in the car and drive to a new location and leave it all behind.  My life feels a bit like a vise most days lately with pressure being applied from nearly every angle. I imagine my young friend who took the road trip felt much the same way.

Yesterday I as was writing the concept of the “primacy of Christ” came to mind.  Developed by Franciscan philosopher/theologian John Duns Scotus the “primacy of Christ” means that whatever happened to Jesus must happen to the soul of the believer in Jesus.  Thus, if we are believers in Christ we can expect that our soul will be born, suffer, die and be reborn.  Other thinkers call this the U shaped journey.  We start and end in glory, but in the middle we must travel deep down and in - into the full human experience which is often laden with struggle, suffering, and pain the things that cause those vise like pressures on me (and you).

My trouble is that I feel like I've been going down into the bottom of the U for a very long time now.  Just when I think that this has to be the bottom, that the journey can't get more arduous, that the struggle has to end the a ascent must begin soon the ground beneath my feet leads me further down or seemingly gives away all together.

Psalm 23 is a U shaped Psalm.  The first third of the Psalm David is lacking nothing, being led, refreshed and guided by God.  In the opening lines David is at the top of the U, everything is going well.  But in the middle third he travels into the bottom of the U:

"Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."

There at the bottom of the U, in the "Valley of the Shadow of Death," God is still with David.  That is the key.  In our decent, God is present.  While we go down in the valley so does God.  He is comforting in the chaos.  

In the final third of Psalm 23 David is restored.  He is anointed, his cup runs over, goodness and love follow him and he is in the house of the Lord.  In a lot of ways Psalm 23 follows the same story arc as the Book of Job.  Job is blessed, loses it all, still sees God in the middle of the struggle and is restored till his cup is running over in the end. 

So my car will stay in Anchorage and so will I.  I won't be running off to to another place for the weekend only to inform those in my life that I'm not coming back on Facebook.  I will choose to believe that in the bottom of the U Jesus will come and loosen the vise and relieve the pressure.  I will wait for the table set before my enemies.  I will wait for my cup to runneth over. 

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Joel K

 

 

My Good Friday Ritual

For years I have had a Good Friday ritual.  Each year, in addition to curating a Good Friday experience at Parachutes (www.ParachutesAlaska.com) or attending a worship service, I always watch “Until the End of the World” by U2 on the Elevation 2001 – Live From Boston DVD.  I watch that performance for two reasons: the songs lyrics about grace extended even to Judas with the backdrop of the last supper and for the portrayal of good verses evil acted out on the stage at the end of the song.  It reminds me of the grace and salvation offered at the cross as well as God overcoming  the devil and his works on Good Friday.  

I also watch Jesus Was and Only Child on the VH-1 Storytellers episode with Bruce Springsteen.  That DVD is part of my observance each year because of Springsteen’s explanation of the song drawing the listener to Jesus’ relationship with his mother, Jesus’ humanity, and our own humanity.  A wonderful song written about Good Friday.

Today I added a new piece to my list of Good Friday touchstones.  I burned a podcast to CD and plan to listen to it each Good Friday.  Burned onto that disc is an interview with author Tony Jones on the Homebrewed Christianity podcast ( http://homebrewedchristianity.com/2015/03/30/did-god-kill-jesus-w-tony-jones ).  Jones discusses his book “Did God Kill Jesus?”  It is a good discussion of one of my favorite topics – atonement theories.  However, it is not the atonement theory discussion that caused this to be added to my observance, but rather Jones’ explanation of Rene Girard’s understanding of the atonement and the cross.  Jones renames Girard’s view as The Mirror model of atonement and explains that what God is doing on the cross is showing humanity its violence and displaying that violence will never work and has never worked.  Humanity is forced to look at the fact that we are so violently destructive that we even killed Jesus.

Joel K